1 00:00:02,524 --> 00:00:07,833 - ♪ MTV ♪ 2 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,922 - Coach Stefanski said we're a shoe-in to win district, 3 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:13,709 as long as no one gets COVID or an STD. 4 00:00:13,796 --> 00:00:15,145 - Honey, I just finished that off. 5 00:00:15,232 --> 00:00:17,843 Is there more? 6 00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:19,280 Shelly? Shelly? 7 00:00:19,367 --> 00:00:22,196 - Oh, yes, of course. 8 00:00:22,283 --> 00:00:24,372 - Feeling overwhelmed, 9 00:00:24,459 --> 00:00:27,897 like you just need a little help to get through the day? 10 00:00:27,984 --> 00:00:29,420 [soft music] 11 00:00:29,507 --> 00:00:30,987 - Hey, I heard pills. 12 00:00:31,074 --> 00:00:33,468 Everything okay? 13 00:00:33,555 --> 00:00:37,037 - When your pill habit gets in the way of your regular life, 14 00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:39,952 isn't it time to say enough? 15 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,084 [pills rattling] 16 00:00:41,171 --> 00:00:42,651 - [grunts] 17 00:00:42,738 --> 00:00:43,956 What's going on? 18 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,523 Pills? 19 00:00:45,610 --> 00:00:47,786 - No, just watching a Brené Brown Ted Talk 20 00:00:47,873 --> 00:00:49,223 and masturbating. 21 00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:50,833 - Mom, you're scaring me. 22 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,791 - It doesn't have to be this way. 23 00:00:52,878 --> 00:00:55,055 There's help. 24 00:00:55,142 --> 00:00:57,709 The abuse of prescription drugs has grown exponentially 25 00:00:57,796 --> 00:01:01,061 the past few years, particularly among women 26 00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:03,889 because of the pandemic and "Euphoria." 27 00:01:03,976 --> 00:01:07,284 But now there's Silent Release, 28 00:01:07,371 --> 00:01:10,592 a prescription bottle made entirely of felt. 29 00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:11,854 And not only is the bottle quiet, 30 00:01:11,941 --> 00:01:14,204 the pills are coated in marshmallow. 31 00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:16,293 So there are no telltale noises to give away 32 00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:18,513 your precious, sacred secret. 33 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,907 You take lots of loud-ass pills. 34 00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:23,518 Soft on the outside, 35 00:01:23,605 --> 00:01:25,737 so you can feel soft on the inside 36 00:01:25,824 --> 00:01:27,609 of your brain. 37 00:01:27,696 --> 00:01:31,047 You deserve to feel exactly how you need to feel 38 00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:32,918 just to get through this endless crawl 39 00:01:33,005 --> 00:01:35,312 of a day and pointless garbage existence 40 00:01:35,399 --> 00:01:37,227 that's wasted on you. 41 00:01:37,314 --> 00:01:39,360 Silent Release, 42 00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:41,275 if a pill falls in a felt bottle 43 00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:44,365 and you don't hear it, were you ever sad? 44 00:01:44,452 --> 00:01:47,933 ♪ ♪ 45 00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:50,979 - Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! 46 00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:52,547 - Ma'am? - [laughs] 47 00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,245 - Ma'am, you doing okay? 48 00:01:55,332 --> 00:01:57,116 - I'm in a commercial. 49 00:01:57,204 --> 00:01:58,596 - Oh. - [laughs] 50 00:01:58,683 --> 00:02:00,859 - You taken anything today? 51 00:02:00,946 --> 00:02:03,906 - I'll never tell. 52 00:02:03,993 --> 00:02:05,299 - Who are you talking to? 53 00:02:05,386 --> 00:02:07,866 - Get in this ball pit, girl. [laughs] 54 00:02:07,953 --> 00:02:09,477 - Okay, thank you, oh. 55 00:02:09,564 --> 00:02:12,436 [upbeat spacey music] 56 00:02:12,523 --> 00:02:17,702 ♪ ♪ 57 00:02:20,749 --> 00:02:23,012 - Big pharma has made billions getting Americans 58 00:02:23,099 --> 00:02:25,710 hooked on opioids, and hopefully, 59 00:02:25,797 --> 00:02:28,017 one of them sees this and is like, oh, cool. 60 00:02:28,103 --> 00:02:30,715 Here's a way we can make even more money. 61 00:02:30,802 --> 00:02:36,460 ♪ ♪ 62 00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:41,639 - Tonight on "Married a Monster," 63 00:02:41,726 --> 00:02:44,207 it was a storybook romance 64 00:02:44,293 --> 00:02:47,384 that turned into a MacBook nightmare. 65 00:02:47,471 --> 00:02:48,603 - I wish I would have done more. 66 00:02:48,690 --> 00:02:51,127 I wish I would have said more. 67 00:02:51,214 --> 00:02:54,261 - Little did Amy know that her seemingly perfect husband, 68 00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:56,654 Jeff, was harboring a dark secret. 69 00:02:56,741 --> 00:02:58,482 - I heard about this happening to other women, 70 00:02:58,569 --> 00:03:00,441 and I thought they were pathetic. 71 00:03:00,528 --> 00:03:02,225 Like, that could never happen to me. 72 00:03:04,096 --> 00:03:06,098 - I came home from work early because it 73 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,536 was someone's birthday at the office, 74 00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:10,929 and those make me uncomfortable. 75 00:03:11,016 --> 00:03:13,454 And I caught him red-handed at his laptop. 76 00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:15,717 He just looked up at me and said, 77 00:03:15,804 --> 00:03:17,153 like it was nothing... 78 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:18,807 - Hey, babe. 79 00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:21,113 Bitcoin is up 4%. 80 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,028 - And that was the moment my whole world fell apart. 81 00:03:23,115 --> 00:03:24,595 - Oh, God, oh, no. 82 00:03:24,682 --> 00:03:28,599 - And I knew that he was into crypto. 83 00:03:28,686 --> 00:03:31,079 - Every day, thousands of women across the globe 84 00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:34,430 find out their husband is, like, really into crypto. 85 00:03:34,518 --> 00:03:36,216 Just, like, way too into it. 86 00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:38,261 Amy found herself just another part 87 00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:39,784 of this gruesome statistic. 88 00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:41,612 - At first, it wasn't so bad. 89 00:03:41,699 --> 00:03:44,267 He would just find ways to wedge Dogecoin 90 00:03:44,353 --> 00:03:45,921 into the conversation. 91 00:03:46,008 --> 00:03:47,879 But then pretty soon, he was saying things like, 92 00:03:47,966 --> 00:03:53,624 be your own bank, or when Lambo, or TLT. 93 00:03:55,626 --> 00:03:59,716 - Think long-term. 94 00:04:00,936 --> 00:04:03,243 - I mean, I always suspected Jeff was a bit off. 95 00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:06,420 On their first date, he took her to see 21 Pilots. 96 00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:08,160 But never in a million years did 97 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,901 I think he would subject her to a rant about the blockchain 98 00:04:09,988 --> 00:04:11,773 every ten minutes. 99 00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,949 - Things finally came to a head on date night. 100 00:04:14,036 --> 00:04:15,864 - Ethereum actually has a lot more utility 101 00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:18,692 than Bitcoin, which is just a store of value. 102 00:04:18,779 --> 00:04:20,303 But Ethereum does face some real competition 103 00:04:20,390 --> 00:04:22,697 from Cardano, Tezos, Solana. 104 00:04:22,784 --> 00:04:24,220 And what that means is... 105 00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:27,223 - By the time he used DeFi 106 00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:29,573 as an abbreviation for decentralized finance, 107 00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:32,183 I knew that I had married a monster. 108 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,143 - Hey, babe. Have you seen my Nano? 109 00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:36,667 My cowallet? 110 00:04:36,754 --> 00:04:37,842 Candlesticks are going crazy right now, 111 00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:40,628 and my MetaMask is offline, so-- 112 00:04:40,715 --> 00:04:42,760 - No. - Oh, shit. 113 00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:45,284 Cardano is going to the moon. 114 00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:47,635 HODL! [laughs] 115 00:04:47,722 --> 00:04:49,245 I don't see what the big deal is. 116 00:04:49,332 --> 00:04:50,855 Crypto paid for this house. 117 00:04:50,942 --> 00:04:53,075 - But at what cost, Jeff? 118 00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:54,598 At what cost? 119 00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:58,994 - About 7,100 tron, which is a total shit coin, 120 00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:00,909 but that was just a degen play, 121 00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:02,345 and I only sold it because of FUD. 122 00:05:04,042 --> 00:05:06,523 - Fear, uncertainty, and doubt. 123 00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:10,092 - Help me. 124 00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:12,094 - The final straw came when Amy went into the attic 125 00:05:12,181 --> 00:05:14,357 to find her November pants and found something 126 00:05:14,444 --> 00:05:18,448 that will haunt her nightmares forever, 127 00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:21,930 a homemade server farm for mining crypto coin. 128 00:05:22,017 --> 00:05:26,326 - No, no, no! 129 00:05:26,413 --> 00:05:28,284 - I'm just grateful we never had kids. 130 00:05:28,371 --> 00:05:29,720 - We have two kids. 131 00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:31,809 - Mommy! - Mommy, Mommy! 132 00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:33,158 - I'm thinking about putting their college fund 133 00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:36,379 into some NFTs, maybe a few CryptoPunks. 134 00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:37,946 both: Mommy, Mommy! 135 00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:40,775 - [wails] 136 00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:42,994 - Next time on "Married a Monster"... 137 00:05:43,081 --> 00:05:44,909 - I walked up the stairs to our bedroom, 138 00:05:44,996 --> 00:05:46,911 and he was there doing it. 139 00:05:46,998 --> 00:05:51,568 He was reading Elon Musk's autobiography. 140 00:05:51,655 --> 00:05:53,353 - My good friend, Rachel Feinstein, 141 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,311 is married to a firefighter. 142 00:05:55,398 --> 00:05:58,445 - All firefighters love crypto and "kesh." 143 00:05:58,532 --> 00:05:59,750 That's how they pronounce cash. 144 00:05:59,837 --> 00:06:01,883 And for some reason, they only trust 145 00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:04,320 the most visible and invisible forms of money. 146 00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:07,671 [upbeat spacy music] 147 00:06:12,676 --> 00:06:13,895 - Well, Amy, thanks for coming in. 148 00:06:13,982 --> 00:06:15,331 You know, since your mom and dad's estate 149 00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:17,986 passed control of their large stock portfolio over to you, 150 00:06:18,073 --> 00:06:19,553 I thought we could walk through it together. 151 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,555 - Yeah, absolutely. 152 00:06:21,642 --> 00:06:23,774 And if I could, I just want to preface this. 153 00:06:23,861 --> 00:06:26,777 I would love to just say that my parents 154 00:06:26,864 --> 00:06:28,475 were a little old-school. 155 00:06:28,562 --> 00:06:29,650 - Mm. 156 00:06:29,737 --> 00:06:31,303 - You know, I just-- and I don't want 157 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:32,522 to say anything bad about anyone 158 00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:34,568 who just died in a fire. 159 00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:38,572 But we just didn't really see the world in the same way. 160 00:06:38,659 --> 00:06:41,096 So yeah, as I said in my email, I just-- 161 00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:43,098 I would love to invest in companies 162 00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:45,666 that are a little more ethical, sustainable, you know? 163 00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:47,145 - Mm-hmm. 164 00:06:47,232 --> 00:06:48,712 - And I just have to say that I would 165 00:06:48,799 --> 00:06:51,280 love if my parents' money could be a force for good. 166 00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:52,716 - Absolutely, absolutely. 167 00:06:52,803 --> 00:06:54,501 We can divest from those industries. 168 00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:56,241 - Good, great. - No problem. 169 00:06:56,328 --> 00:06:58,592 - I can sleep at night. - Yeah. 170 00:06:58,679 --> 00:07:00,463 Of course, doing so will be less profitable. 171 00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:02,160 - Oh my gosh, I get that. Of course. 172 00:07:02,247 --> 00:07:03,771 Yeah, but you can't really put a price 173 00:07:03,858 --> 00:07:05,163 on doing the right thing. 174 00:07:05,250 --> 00:07:06,600 - Mm-hmm. - You know? 175 00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:08,036 It's like the future of humanity 176 00:07:08,123 --> 00:07:09,211 is literally in the balance, so... 177 00:07:09,298 --> 00:07:12,214 - Mm. - Yeah. 178 00:07:12,301 --> 00:07:14,042 Mm. 179 00:07:14,129 --> 00:07:20,918 But when you say less profitable, like, 180 00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:24,269 how much less profitable are we talking about? 181 00:07:24,356 --> 00:07:27,490 - Well, the portfolio was set up to support you comfortably 182 00:07:27,577 --> 00:07:28,839 into the foreseeable future. 183 00:07:28,926 --> 00:07:30,406 - Yeah. 184 00:07:30,493 --> 00:07:32,277 - So if we cut out the traditional industries 185 00:07:32,364 --> 00:07:33,714 and go heavy into renewables, 186 00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:35,411 you may have to supplement the income. 187 00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:38,022 - Of course, and what do you mean by supplement? 188 00:07:38,109 --> 00:07:40,111 Like, supplement how? 189 00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:42,549 - Well, presumably by getting a job. 190 00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:46,248 - Yeah. 191 00:07:46,335 --> 00:07:47,162 Me getting a job? 192 00:07:47,249 --> 00:07:48,946 - Well, yeah, you. 193 00:07:50,818 --> 00:07:55,082 - Okay, okay, yeah. 194 00:07:55,170 --> 00:07:56,301 - You got it? 195 00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:58,565 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 196 00:07:59,827 --> 00:08:01,306 You know what? 197 00:08:01,393 --> 00:08:03,744 I feel like maybe I was being a little harsh. 198 00:08:03,831 --> 00:08:06,703 I came in here on my high horse. 199 00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:11,926 Maybe I should just kind of settle down a little bit. 200 00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:14,276 Let me just look at the list of the things 201 00:08:14,363 --> 00:08:16,974 that I said I wanted to get out of because I don't even-- 202 00:08:17,061 --> 00:08:18,846 fracking. 203 00:08:18,933 --> 00:08:20,804 I know I said I don't want to invest in fracking, 204 00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:23,328 but what even is-- what even is fracking really? 205 00:08:23,415 --> 00:08:24,939 What is it? - Right. 206 00:08:25,026 --> 00:08:27,768 Fracking is the process where oil companies extract oil 207 00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:29,421 and gas by injecting liquid at high pressure 208 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:30,988 into subterranean rock. 209 00:08:31,075 --> 00:08:33,034 - Yeah, you know what? Enough said, I'm sold. 210 00:08:33,121 --> 00:08:35,515 So take fracking off the shit list 211 00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:37,429 because I'd like to frack. 212 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:38,605 I'd like to frack on. 213 00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:40,476 - Very well. 214 00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:42,260 - And so does that sort of get me back to a place 215 00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:44,915 where I wouldn't have to work? 216 00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:47,178 - No, not even close. 217 00:08:49,224 --> 00:08:52,053 - Okay, opioids. 218 00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:54,838 I know I said I wanted to move away from opioids, 219 00:08:54,925 --> 00:08:56,187 but you know what, I feel like, you know, 220 00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:58,102 the Sacklers apologized, right? 221 00:08:58,189 --> 00:08:59,887 If we're looking at this in a glass half-full kind of way, 222 00:08:59,974 --> 00:09:01,758 they said they were sorry. 223 00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:05,283 They took their names off of libraries and all that. 224 00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:07,198 So it's like they're kind of back on the right side 225 00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:08,591 of history, right? 226 00:09:08,678 --> 00:09:09,984 So opioids are probably... [clicks tongue] 227 00:09:10,071 --> 00:09:11,942 Okay? - Mm-hmm. 228 00:09:12,029 --> 00:09:13,422 So it feels like, maybe take a beat, 229 00:09:13,509 --> 00:09:14,423 leave things as is. 230 00:09:14,510 --> 00:09:15,990 - Yeah, but you know what? 231 00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:17,774 Now that we're really getting into this, 232 00:09:17,861 --> 00:09:20,168 I feel like maybe my parents didn't go far enough. 233 00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:24,694 Like, they were pretty, you know, conservative. 234 00:09:24,781 --> 00:09:27,088 I mean, what did they really even know? 235 00:09:27,175 --> 00:09:30,744 It's like they died in that fire that I didn't start. 236 00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:34,704 So I think that we should try to make 237 00:09:34,790 --> 00:09:37,315 as much money as possible as quickly as possible. 238 00:09:37,402 --> 00:09:40,318 You know, so I can, like, live, you know, and not have to be, 239 00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:43,365 like, working or whatever you mentioned 240 00:09:43,452 --> 00:09:46,586 because I really can't, really can't. 241 00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:48,239 - Well, yeah, there's high risk, 242 00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:50,024 high reward companies that we could definitely look at. 243 00:09:50,111 --> 00:09:51,503 - Yes, this is what I'm talking about, 244 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,941 like Elon Musk's, like, the monkey thing 245 00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:57,031 where they "Terminator" your brain or whatever. 246 00:09:57,118 --> 00:09:59,076 - Neuralink, yeah, I mean, that's a moonshot, for sure, 247 00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:00,904 giving the human brain a digital interface. 248 00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:03,994 And he's definitely a high-growth guy. 249 00:10:04,081 --> 00:10:06,214 But I don't know how comfortable you are. 250 00:10:06,301 --> 00:10:09,086 There have been allegations of harassment. 251 00:10:09,173 --> 00:10:11,872 - But you know, you don't get to Mars 252 00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:13,787 by being everybody's friend, right? 253 00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:17,965 You know, there's no rapists or racists on Pluto. 254 00:10:18,052 --> 00:10:19,140 So let's go there. 255 00:10:19,227 --> 00:10:20,968 - [laughs] 256 00:10:21,055 --> 00:10:22,360 Nobody's going to Pluto, but I get your point 257 00:10:22,447 --> 00:10:23,535 about the space rape. 258 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,450 - Okay, now what's the thing where-- 259 00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:27,583 where's the place where the women are all, like, 260 00:10:27,670 --> 00:10:29,759 superhot, and they're, like, really good at vodka? 261 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,895 - Are you talking about Russia? - Yes, Russia. 262 00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:36,070 I'd like to get involved 263 00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:38,246 in those state-sponsored troll farms. 264 00:10:38,333 --> 00:10:39,551 Is that something that we could maybe 265 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:40,770 get our foot in the door, you know? 266 00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:42,990 - Those aren't really businesses. 267 00:10:43,077 --> 00:10:46,210 That's a disinformation campaign largely aimed 268 00:10:46,297 --> 00:10:47,821 at Western democracies. 269 00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:51,389 So aiding that would be criminal at best 270 00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:53,914 and most likely treasonous. 271 00:10:54,001 --> 00:10:56,568 - I feel like you're giving me a yellow light on this one. 272 00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:57,787 - No, no, no. - Yeah! 273 00:10:57,874 --> 00:10:59,006 - No, no, no. - You are! 274 00:10:59,093 --> 00:11:01,008 Let's just keep our eye on it, you know? 275 00:11:01,095 --> 00:11:02,618 Let's be open to that, all right? 276 00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:05,403 Let's not, you know, be like my parents, 277 00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:08,319 burned to a crisp, making conservative decisions. 278 00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:10,278 I like that. - Done. 279 00:11:10,365 --> 00:11:14,891 - And just slide into my DMs with any sort of ideas 280 00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:18,852 about how I can be my generation's Mother Teresa, 281 00:11:18,939 --> 00:11:22,507 you know, other than the ways I'm already doing it. 282 00:11:22,594 --> 00:11:25,162 So well, I think we got a plan. 283 00:11:25,249 --> 00:11:27,774 If you need anything, I'll be at HandH. 284 00:11:30,298 --> 00:11:32,300 That last scene was just documentary footage 285 00:11:32,387 --> 00:11:33,693 from my life. 286 00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:36,173 - We just put a camera in the room with Amy 287 00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:38,306 and her portfolio manager, and we left. 288 00:11:38,393 --> 00:11:40,787 I'm seeing this for the first time just like you. 289 00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:44,834 [upbeat spacey music] 290 00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:46,053 - Welcome, Kloopr shareholders, 291 00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:48,011 to our annual meeting. 292 00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:53,321 Please welcome Kloopr CEO, Jason Kirk! 293 00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:55,279 - Good afternoon, and thank you for joining us 294 00:11:55,366 --> 00:11:58,239 after what can only be called another banner year 295 00:11:58,326 --> 00:11:59,588 for Kloopr! 296 00:11:59,675 --> 00:12:01,503 [cheers and applause] 297 00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:03,331 What a year. 298 00:12:03,418 --> 00:12:07,248 I want to start by addressing the elephant in the room, 299 00:12:07,335 --> 00:12:09,598 recent comments made on the Kloopr platform 300 00:12:09,685 --> 00:12:13,471 by Ron "Raw Dog" McQuaid. 301 00:12:13,558 --> 00:12:15,343 Let me be clear. 302 00:12:15,430 --> 00:12:19,739 Kloopr has a zero-tolerance policy for hate speech. 303 00:12:19,826 --> 00:12:23,568 On the other hand, it is important that we stand back 304 00:12:23,655 --> 00:12:28,399 and stand by free thinkers like McQuaid, especially when-- 305 00:12:28,486 --> 00:12:30,662 and this is important-- 306 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:34,623 they make us so much money. 307 00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:37,452 I mean, that's--yeah. 308 00:12:37,539 --> 00:12:39,976 Now to all of those who were offended by McQuaid's 309 00:12:40,063 --> 00:12:43,371 hurtful, hilarious remarks, we want to assure you 310 00:12:43,458 --> 00:12:47,027 that Kloopr does not support or stand by any comments, 311 00:12:47,114 --> 00:12:50,813 jokes, haikus, or single-frame cartoons 312 00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:53,207 that disparage the LGBTQ community, 313 00:12:53,294 --> 00:12:56,253 the disabled community, the BDSM community, 314 00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:58,647 and whatever this is. 315 00:12:58,734 --> 00:13:00,954 Everyone--am I right? 316 00:13:01,041 --> 00:13:04,784 Everyone, everyone deserves respect. 317 00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:06,873 Having said that, 318 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:11,268 we also ask that everyone respect the fuck tons 319 00:13:11,355 --> 00:13:14,489 of cash that Raw Dog McQuaid and his program, 320 00:13:14,576 --> 00:13:18,362 69% Raw, make for this company. 321 00:13:18,449 --> 00:13:21,931 And I'm talking, like, Scrooge McDuck swimming 322 00:13:22,018 --> 00:13:25,239 in his building sized vault of oversized gold coins 323 00:13:25,326 --> 00:13:27,415 fuck tons. 324 00:13:27,502 --> 00:13:29,156 Wait. 325 00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:31,114 That is not to say that we don't have standards. 326 00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:33,987 No, if you say something offensive, 327 00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:36,685 and you don't make us money, we will be picking apart 328 00:13:36,772 --> 00:13:40,297 those words like they're late-night texts 329 00:13:40,384 --> 00:13:42,778 from the hottest boy in high school. 330 00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:45,433 If you generate a million in revenue, 331 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,261 we will bravely defend your right 332 00:13:47,348 --> 00:13:50,525 to say vaccines cause sterility against the rabid 333 00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:53,571 Sarah Lawrence women's studies woke mob witch hunters 334 00:13:53,658 --> 00:13:56,270 that are trying to dismantle the notion of freedom itself. 335 00:13:56,357 --> 00:13:59,316 If you're anywhere in between, it depends on what else 336 00:13:59,403 --> 00:14:01,405 is happening that day. 337 00:14:01,492 --> 00:14:05,496 Having two sets of standards, double if you will, 338 00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:07,498 that is the kind of forward thinking 339 00:14:07,585 --> 00:14:10,588 that sets Kloopr apart. 340 00:14:10,675 --> 00:14:13,330 Let's be honest. Let's just be honest. 341 00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:15,419 Look, we live in complicated times. 342 00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:20,511 It is hard to satisfy everyone who can give us money, 343 00:14:20,598 --> 00:14:24,602 but I think that we have come up 344 00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:28,171 with a common ground solution. 345 00:14:28,258 --> 00:14:34,134 I am happy to introduce Kloopr Canceled. 346 00:14:34,221 --> 00:14:35,831 Oh, that's right. 347 00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:38,573 Kloopr will now bundle all of our most problematic voices 348 00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:40,836 into a premium subscription service 349 00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:43,534 that allows us to fully monetize 350 00:14:43,621 --> 00:14:45,797 their problematic-ness while, 351 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:49,453 at the same time, signaling our virtues. 352 00:14:49,540 --> 00:14:51,107 Now, listen to this. 353 00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:54,676 Canceled will include content from ethno cartoonist 354 00:14:54,763 --> 00:14:58,245 Jalen Stump, dirty limericist Torv Cuspule, 355 00:14:58,332 --> 00:15:01,944 border enthusiast Dirk Cumley, Teflon rapist Shep Honky, 356 00:15:02,031 --> 00:15:04,425 frank masturbater Dorvin Clink, 357 00:15:04,512 --> 00:15:06,731 and, of course, our golden goose himself, 358 00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:09,473 Ron "Raw Dog" McQuaid. 359 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,433 God bless his soul. 360 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:14,478 Thank you for supporting Kloopr. 361 00:15:14,565 --> 00:15:17,220 In summation, money, good. 362 00:15:17,307 --> 00:15:19,179 No money, bad. 363 00:15:19,266 --> 00:15:22,530 Hurt people? Okay, if money. 364 00:15:22,617 --> 00:15:25,533 Thank you, and money. 365 00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:27,491 [cheers and applause] 366 00:15:27,578 --> 00:15:29,450 Thank you. 367 00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:33,671 - Obviously, none of that scene applies 368 00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:36,413 in any way to the current CEO of Paramount , 369 00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:37,980 whoever that is. 370 00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:40,156 - Basically, if you're a CEO that has ever paid us 371 00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:43,638 or ever will pay us, this scene was not about you. 372 00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:46,162 [upbeat spacey music] 373 00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:51,994 - Okay, let's begin. 374 00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:56,607 Who can tell me what 90% of gynecology is all about? 375 00:15:56,694 --> 00:15:58,696 Paul? - Looking at vaginas. 376 00:15:58,783 --> 00:16:00,611 - You'd think so, but no. 377 00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:03,440 Lacey? - Making the patient feel safe. 378 00:16:03,527 --> 00:16:05,486 - Nope. Jo, you want to take a stab? 379 00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:09,142 - Yes, prescribing cranberry juice to me for my UTIs. 380 00:16:09,229 --> 00:16:10,578 - Also no. 381 00:16:10,665 --> 00:16:12,580 All right, you may want to write this down 382 00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:15,061 because if you don't get this, you may as well toss 383 00:16:15,148 --> 00:16:17,672 your speculums right now, okay? 384 00:16:17,759 --> 00:16:20,457 90% of being a gynecologist is knowing how long 385 00:16:20,544 --> 00:16:23,417 to wait before entering an exam room 386 00:16:23,504 --> 00:16:26,202 after you told the patient to undress. 387 00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:28,074 What do I mean? 388 00:16:28,161 --> 00:16:29,684 Well, you're about to find out. 389 00:16:29,771 --> 00:16:32,861 In these exam rooms, I've left a few women waiting 390 00:16:32,948 --> 00:16:34,819 for varying amounts of time. 391 00:16:34,906 --> 00:16:36,865 Who wants to get their hands dirty? 392 00:16:36,952 --> 00:16:37,997 - I'll try. 393 00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:40,390 - Lacey, let's go. 394 00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:44,264 - Ms. Humphrey, hi, I'm Lacey, and I-- 395 00:16:44,351 --> 00:16:46,005 - Oh, I--sorry. Shoot, fuck. 396 00:16:46,092 --> 00:16:47,832 Just one second. 397 00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:50,052 - Oh! 398 00:16:50,139 --> 00:16:52,881 I'll come back. 399 00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:55,492 I don't know what happened. - It's okay. 400 00:16:55,579 --> 00:16:57,059 Can anyone tell me what went wrong here? 401 00:16:57,146 --> 00:16:59,496 - We didn't look at the vagina. 402 00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:01,759 - Close, but completely off. 403 00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:04,066 We told the patient to undress, and then we entered 404 00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:05,720 the exam room too soon. 405 00:17:05,807 --> 00:17:07,461 - [sighs] 406 00:17:07,548 --> 00:17:09,028 - You see, when you come into the room too soon, 407 00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:10,681 it doesn't afford the patient enough time 408 00:17:10,768 --> 00:17:12,901 to undress and hide their underwear 409 00:17:12,988 --> 00:17:15,077 between their pants and shirt for some reason, 410 00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:17,906 and then to either text their best girlfriend, 411 00:17:17,992 --> 00:17:20,821 "At gyno, FML," or to quickly Google, 412 00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:23,259 "Can the gynecologist tell that I masturbated last night?" 413 00:17:23,346 --> 00:17:24,781 - Ah. 414 00:17:24,868 --> 00:17:26,522 - You see, affording time to the patient for things 415 00:17:26,609 --> 00:17:28,612 like this is a critical aspect of gynecology. 416 00:17:28,699 --> 00:17:30,092 Who wants to go next? 417 00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:31,702 - Fuck it. I'll go. 418 00:17:31,789 --> 00:17:33,400 - All right. 419 00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:37,186 [soft music] 420 00:17:37,273 --> 00:17:39,493 - All right, Miss Carson. 421 00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:42,104 Let's see that vagina. 422 00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:44,541 - I have 900 IUDs in my pussy. 423 00:17:44,628 --> 00:17:48,284 I took all the shots. I took all the shots! 424 00:17:48,371 --> 00:17:50,939 I took all the shots! 425 00:17:51,026 --> 00:17:53,681 - Oh, my God, what the hell? That wasn't hot. 426 00:17:53,768 --> 00:17:54,943 That wasn't hot at all. 427 00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:56,423 I went through medical-- 428 00:17:56,510 --> 00:17:58,599 - You bet your fat, dumb dick that wasn't hot 429 00:17:58,686 --> 00:18:01,167 because we let too much time pass between telling her 430 00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:04,039 to get naked and coming back into the exam room. 431 00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:07,521 When you leave a patient alone in a gynecological exam room 432 00:18:07,608 --> 00:18:10,567 for too long in a flimsy paper nightgown 433 00:18:10,654 --> 00:18:11,873 that feels like it's gonna disintegrate, 434 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,831 they get bored and antsy. 435 00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:15,181 They'll start going through your things. 436 00:18:15,268 --> 00:18:16,791 They'll eat your snacks. 437 00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:18,271 - That's why she was holding those potatoes. 438 00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:19,750 - Exactly. 439 00:18:19,837 --> 00:18:22,057 I like to eat a whole raw potato as a snack. 440 00:18:22,144 --> 00:18:23,667 And obviously, she found it. 441 00:18:23,754 --> 00:18:25,147 Good work, Lacey. 442 00:18:25,234 --> 00:18:26,496 - Thanks. - Jo, you're up. 443 00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:31,110 - [sighs] 444 00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:34,113 [tense music] 445 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,854 ♪ ♪ 446 00:18:36,941 --> 00:18:38,378 No, I can't do this. I can't do this. 447 00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:39,596 - Come here. - I don't want-- 448 00:18:39,683 --> 00:18:41,163 I don't want-- - You've got this, okay? 449 00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:43,296 - No, no, can I just throw some cranberry juice 450 00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:44,949 in the room and call it a day? 451 00:18:45,036 --> 00:18:47,256 - No, look at me. 452 00:18:47,343 --> 00:18:50,129 Look at me. - Okay. 453 00:18:50,216 --> 00:18:53,044 - That woman in there needs you to look at and into her vagina 454 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,308 with the most uncomfortable tools possible. 455 00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:57,005 - Okay. 456 00:18:57,092 --> 00:18:58,311 - And sure, none of us want to do this. 457 00:18:58,398 --> 00:18:59,703 - I do. 458 00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:02,010 - Except Paul, but, you know, 459 00:19:02,097 --> 00:19:04,665 straight male gynecologists are weird. 460 00:19:04,752 --> 00:19:07,929 I'm gay, so I find it just as troubling as you. 461 00:19:08,016 --> 00:19:11,759 Now, Jo, that woman has been in there for nine minutes. 462 00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:15,763 I want you to go into that room when your head, 463 00:19:15,850 --> 00:19:21,508 your heart, and your vagina tells you it's time. 464 00:19:21,595 --> 00:19:28,471 ♪ ♪ 465 00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:34,434 - [mouthing] 466 00:19:44,618 --> 00:19:46,446 - Ms. Wilson, hi. 467 00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:49,971 I'm Dr. Reese, and I will be performing your exam today. 468 00:19:50,058 --> 00:19:51,712 - Wonderful. 469 00:19:53,366 --> 00:19:55,281 - I knew you could do it. 470 00:19:55,368 --> 00:19:57,587 - [sighs] Thank you, Doctor. 471 00:19:57,674 --> 00:20:00,634 - No, no, no. Go finish your exam, Doctor. 472 00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:02,375 - Right. 473 00:20:02,462 --> 00:20:05,813 Oh, how do I insert the speculum? 474 00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:07,815 - Oh, it doesn't matter. Just shove it in. 475 00:20:07,902 --> 00:20:09,860 It's gonna suck regardless. 476 00:20:09,947 --> 00:20:13,081 Bye. 477 00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:15,692 - I know I have a tiny part in this scene, 478 00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:18,565 but Tim Meadows is the funniest person 479 00:20:18,652 --> 00:20:21,524 who was ever on "SNL," I believe. 480 00:20:21,611 --> 00:20:23,309 And I needed him to be this doctor. 481 00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:24,832 - She was so right. 482 00:20:24,919 --> 00:20:26,790 Tim was way better than she would have ever been. 483 00:20:26,877 --> 00:20:28,792 Thanks, Amy. 484 00:20:28,879 --> 00:20:32,187 [upbeat spacey music] 485 00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:36,017 - Here's another song from, you guessed it, Ron. 486 00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:38,454 Ron. 487 00:20:38,541 --> 00:20:42,023 [upbeat music] 488 00:20:42,110 --> 00:20:45,287 - ♪ My wife buys me clothes, and I wear them ♪ 489 00:20:45,374 --> 00:20:48,769 ♪ My wife buys me clothes, and I wear them ♪ 490 00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:50,510 ♪ My wife buys me clothes ♪ 491 00:20:50,597 --> 00:20:52,425 ♪ And I wear them ♪ 492 00:20:52,512 --> 00:20:55,819 ♪ My wife buys me clothes ♪ 493 00:20:55,906 --> 00:20:59,170 ♪ We make a good team with our wardrobe ♪ 494 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:02,652 ♪ My wife buys me clothes, and I wear them ♪ 495 00:21:02,739 --> 00:21:05,873 ♪ My wife buys her clothes, and she wears them ♪ 496 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:09,920 ♪ My wife also buys all the kids' clothes ♪ 497 00:21:10,007 --> 00:21:13,315 ♪ My wife also does all the scheduling ♪ 498 00:21:13,402 --> 00:21:16,666 ♪ And earns a lot of money running her own business ♪ 499 00:21:16,753 --> 00:21:19,887 ♪ I'm in a men's league for kickball ♪ 500 00:21:19,974 --> 00:21:24,326 ♪ My wife buys me clothes ♪ 501 00:21:24,413 --> 00:21:28,374 ♪ Check out my clothes ♪ 502 00:21:28,461 --> 00:21:31,072 Oh, hey, so I just texted you a list of some stuff 503 00:21:31,159 --> 00:21:33,727 that I need for the wedding that we're going to in Hawaii 504 00:21:33,814 --> 00:21:35,511 or wherever, like, because I spilled 505 00:21:35,598 --> 00:21:37,208 some maple syrup and waffles 506 00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:38,949 on those expensive pants that you bought me. 507 00:21:39,036 --> 00:21:41,038 - I'm slammed. 508 00:21:41,125 --> 00:21:43,954 Can you handle it? 509 00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:45,391 - What? 510 00:21:45,478 --> 00:21:47,610 - Did you really not hear me? 511 00:21:47,697 --> 00:21:51,353 - Oh, no, it's cool. I can do it, yeah. 512 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,790 ♪ Me buy me clothes ♪ 513 00:21:53,877 --> 00:21:57,098 ♪ Uh, Amazon, me buy me clothes ♪ 514 00:21:57,185 --> 00:21:58,578 What size am I? 515 00:21:58,665 --> 00:22:00,362 ♪ Me buy me clothes ♪ 516 00:22:00,449 --> 00:22:03,931 UK something, size five? 517 00:22:04,018 --> 00:22:07,761 ♪ Me buy me clothes ♪ 518 00:22:07,848 --> 00:22:12,983 ♪ Me buy me clothes ♪ 519 00:22:13,070 --> 00:22:17,379 ♪ Me buy me clothes ♪ 520 00:22:19,990 --> 00:22:23,298 - I don't know what happened. Oh, fuck. 521 00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:25,387 - Let's take a--fuck. 522 00:22:25,474 --> 00:22:28,042 - I took all the shots! 523 00:22:28,129 --> 00:22:29,478 - That was nice 524 00:22:29,565 --> 00:22:30,784 - Thank you. I'm a mom. 525 00:22:35,049 --> 00:22:37,965 [soft music] 526 00:22:38,052 --> 00:22:44,928 ♪ ♪ 527 00:22:57,071 --> 00:22:58,986 - It's so easy. 528 00:22:59,036 --> 00:23:03,586 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0